mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize