I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
