How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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