mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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