I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
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I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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