If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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