Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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