Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
