So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
