this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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