Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
