How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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