i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
