Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
