I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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