I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
