My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
