Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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