eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
