I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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