he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I FOUND THE LEGS
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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