Michael Bay diarrhea
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
