Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
