saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
