were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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