Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
