Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
