No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
