I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
