U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
