Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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