Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
