I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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