she woke up with a sticky ear
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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