I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Randomize
