sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
