Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
