P.S. I can't hear my feet
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Randomize
