Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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