She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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