areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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