Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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