Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
