we're chasing vodka with high fives
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
