how can u be prego again
I want to walk on stilts...naked
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
