dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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