I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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