So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
