Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
