in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
