My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
